Today I felt like writing about the financial implications we face as ADHD-ers.
Some people call this the "ADHD Tax" ...seems fitting.
This came to mind after I broke something last week. I thought...great, yet another thing I have to spend money to replace. Now, everyone is human and mistakes happen, sure. Breaking things is something that everyone deals with from time to time. We drop something or absentmindedly step on something, whatever. No big deal right?
I would agree that overall, breaking an inanimate object can be seen as unfortunate but overall not a huge deal. The problem is, issues begin to arise for people who are often or regularly dealing with being accident prone and forgetful. This is what we called "les fautes dâinattention" when I was little. Translation: careless mistakes.
I have a problem with this framing for several reasons. Allow me to tell you why.
1) Using the word careless to classify the type of error being made insinuates that we don't care. That's mistake number one. We care, a lot. We care so much that we develop anxiety around it.
2) We don't want to be seen as incompetent, reckless, and destructive. No matter what you think you are observing on the outside, I can guarantee you that we are struggling internally, and the last thing we need is to be reminded of and shamed for our perceived "flaws".
For every...
"why don't you watch what you are doing?" // "regardes donc ce que tu fais"
"can you be more careful?" // "sois plus prudent/e"
"can't you pay attention when you are doing that?" //Â "Tu peux faire attention?"
"you're like a recking ball" // "tu es comme un boulet de dĂŠmolition"
...we've already had an anticipatory surge of guilt and mentally told ourselves "do it right. don't mess it up. [fill in the blank]". We beat ourselves up constantly.
3) Telling someone about their ongoing mistakes undermines them. The feeling of being watched and judged before even starting to do something puts an immense amount of stress on someone, especially someone who is already being labelled as having a predisposition for being a klutz. We go through life, from childhood to adulthood perceiving ourselves as defective, unstable, and incapable of doing even the simplest things without messing them up. That surely translates to higher cortisol levels and anxiety in most of us. Alas, I won't be diving into that topic today.
Instead, I would like to list some of the ways that being accident prone, inattentive, and distractible can take a financial toll on people living with ADD/ADHD. On one hand, it's almost as if we're expected to outgrow these "issues" and become entirely different people in adulthood. Certainly some ADHD traits subside or evolve as someone goes through puberty and grows into adulthood. Life is different, expectations change, maturity sets in (at some point, for some of us LOL) we get jobs and have families, and life goes on. But what about the struggles we continue to face? Are we just supposed to ignore them? Or refer to those parts of us as "bad" "problematic" or "annoying" like we were told they were in childhood? That's a recipe for disaster and for many this can lead to mental health struggles.
Not to mention, some of us were late-diagnosed (received our diagnosis well into our 30's, 40's and 50's) so it makes no sense to place the blame for our current-day struggles on a youthful disposition. Once we realize that we have unknowingly been ADHD our entire lives a lot of things come crashing down and memories come flooding back. Oh my god. I could write a book with all the instances of 'ADHD Accidents" I've had over the years.
Back then, those close to me would likely have said:
"She doesn't always pay attention" (saying "what?" all the time)
"She rushes and then makes mistakes" (bumping into things, forgetting things)
"Oh, she's a bit reckless but that's just how she is" (any friend of mine who was in the car when I drove us around in high school can attest to fearing for their lives at least once or twice)
I'm not proud of that, obviously. We just used to laugh it off back then. The motor vehicle accidents/incidents I have had over the years are no laughing matter (there is a financial cost to that too of course $$$).
Now, I can look back and say "NO! You had me all wrong".
This part is really hard - and I don't want to gloss over this: it impacts us at the core of who we are. We live our entire lives thinking we are just "like that" we are "just accident prone" or "just distracted" ...when in reality we are suffering. We are seeking a dopamine release or stimulation, we are intending to do well, we are trying so hard, we are living with an invisible condition that is unfortunately still stigmatized in 2022.
This isn't just "how we are" (translation: unstable, reckless, untrustworthy, expensive, frustrating). Looking back, I can say I did pay attention, a LOT. My reflexes can be amazing, I pick up on details that no one else notices, I think..overthink! I mentally plan things out and replay them in my head before doing them, and I. still. fuck. up.
I rush but it's because it feels like a motor is running me. I wait until the last minute but that's because there's what feels like an invisible roadblock in front of me and I'm unable to start tasks in advance & only able to do my best work when the pressure of an approaching deadline or consequence is staring me in the face.
I want to say: I am not reckless, I am not careless, I am not inattentive.Â
Not by choice anyway. What I am is dealing with a bombardment of thoughts and stimuli every second of every day and I cannot shut my brain off for even 5 minutes.
I am either hyperfocused on something and speeding like the road runner, or I am crushed by the heaviness of everything, unable to move... getting swallowed by a couch (like that scene in MAID).
But, you know... "just pay attention".
WHAT COSTS?
Moving on. These examples are things I thought of off the top of my head for how my neurodivergence has cost me. I'm sure there are many more, but this is just a sampler to illustrate my point.
BONUS: make a *CHA-CHING* sound after reading each of these. You know, for effect.
- Losing earbuds & phone chargers and purchasing new ones, then finding the original pair/cord and somehow ending up with a ridiculous number of them.
-Â Breaking a tiny part of a kitchen appliance that is crucial for that appliance to work in the first place even though you use that thing literally every day and have no idea how it broke off or got misplaced in the first place (mine: instant pot, milk frother).
-Â Dropping a measuring cup (or *insert applicable object here*) while doing food prep because you insisted on leaving it on the edge of the sink because you are focused on cutting out unnecessary steps and want to make the distance shorter from point A to point B to 'save time' and inadvertently knock it off the ledge and onto the floor where it shatters (don't even get me started on the TIME cost of cleaning up these random messes that always seem to happen when you have no time to deal with them).
-Â Parking tickets & traffic tickets.
- Paying for a locksmith to get into your house after locking yourself out
(I have quite the story with this one, if we ever cross paths and you want to hear it, just ask).
- Racking up fees for subscriptions you forgot you had even though you're sure you added a reminder in your phone/calendar to cancel it before the trial ended.
- Losing out on a deposit for things like events, vacation rentals, apartments, camping sites, reservations, etc.
- Failing to reserve a spot early for a concert, activity, or flight and ending up paying double or tripple when the time comes.
- Banking. Overdraft fees - because you were sure you had many funds in your account but actually, payments for xyz came through, along with that impulse purchase you made, that last minute birthday gift you sent to someone (bonus points for paying insane shipping fees to get it there on time because you are shipping it out last minute) and the event ticket for the thing you agreed to go to when you were feeling extraverted that one day... all things you had not accounted for.
- Throwing away food that's gone bad because you had food aversion that week and no appetite or just completely forgot you had produce because you didn't strategically place them front and center in the fridge & out of sight is out of mind quite literally for us.
- Forgetting. Cancellation & late fees for appointments you forget to go to or that you have to reschedule because you're having a spiral week where you are sleep deprived, a bit manic, and cannot bring yourself to go to the overstimulating place (doctor's office, autoshop, dentist, etc.)
- Purchasing craft supplies or hobby tools in a mad dash to start on your new interest/obession which is bringing you so much joy and meaning in life, only to get bored (or overwhelmed) with it super quickly, leaving the supplies in a corner to collect dust forevermore.
- Wasting. Planners. Many, many, unused or partially used planners.
- Learning. The courses and workshops you sign up for and pay to attend because you are so sure that this time, it will stick. This is it! The new thing, the thing that will get you to stick to good habits, regularly work out, figure out your dream career, etc........(I should say: I don't think education or learning is ever a waste. Only that a lot of us constantly sign up for new things when it isn't well thought-out and we can suffer the finanical consequences of that).
- Getting fit. Or intending to anyways. The gym memberships or fitness equipment you get because you are convinced that you are now a swimmer, a yogi, a rock climber, a cyclist, a.....Â
- Owing the library or rental places money for late fees & lost items.
- Quitting jobs or changing career paths often due to boredom, burnout, being "too much", having a strong moral compass, or feeling understimulated and dealing with job insecurity or unemployment.
- Repurchasing. Things that you already owned and now have to re-buy because you accidentally absent-mindedly threw them in the garbage (*ahem*...spoons). My latest one was this awesome reusable bubble tea straw that I used to drink a take-out boba and then threw away the whole cup, including the straw...ooop).
Most people will look at a list like this and assume we are just out of control over-spenders who are addicted to shopping, irresponsible, reckless, or just plain immature. I get how it can look like that. Are some of us some of those things some of the time? Sure. Who isn't? But ADHD goes so much deeper than that. It's a lack of things like dopamine (a neurotransmitter) and an over-abundance of other things, like energy, impulsivity, and inattention.
Also, for the most part these are not things we can control. We can:
- practice mindfulness
- work on habit stacking
- structure our lives in a way that is better set-up for desired outcomes
- try meditation
- try medication
- work with a coach
- see a therapist
However, these are not magic solutions that will work for and be available to everyone. Unfortunately, there's still a long way to go when it comes to the acceptance of neurodivergence.
It is incumbent on us to get curious about the tangible and intangible ways being neurodivergent impacts us in everyday life and attempt to communicate what we learn about ourselves.
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Thanks for reading, and if you made it to the end I would love to hear about your experiences. Please leave a comment or reach out!
In what ways has ADHD cost you? How many things can you think of that have impacted you financially due to the way you exist in the world?
Snacks & Snark,
Relatable Red