🎓 Academia, Masking, and Feeling Lost

NOTE: This is a very stream of consciousness post, based on my own lived experience. I have linked some stuff at the end for those who might be interested in scientific studies & more context.


I’m sitting here with nothing but the soft light of a lamp glowing next to me, looking at my credentials that are hanging up on the wall.

It just kind of hit me. For each of those framed pieces of paper, during every stage of my academic life, I existed in the world without knowing that I had ADHD.
High school diploma. College diploma. University degree. Graduate certificate.
Through my entire academic career, through all the achievements, good grades (bad grades), projects, hours of research, and even more hours of procrastination, for the entirety of my life I have lived with a neurodevelopmental condition that effectively disables me, and I had no idea.

I definitely struggled in various ways, and most of my struggles were likely invisible or brushed aside. My report cards often said I was kind, helpful, and wise for my age. My struggles were mostly with inattention, internal (mental) hyperactivity, and difficulties with math and retaining information (short-term memory). The amount of anxiety I experienced along with the various coping skills I’ve mastered just to get me through life are astounding. What may have looked regular on the outside felt like going through a gauntlet to me.

The psychologist who administered my assessment and provided me with my ADHD diagnosis had the chance to speak with me over several hours. They mentioned that I likely excelled as a student and garnered my degree due to a high level of intelligence making it that much harder for anyone to pick up on my limitations. It’s no wonder imposter syndrome can be so high. There is often a lack of self-esteem that goes hand in hand with neurodivergent individuals because we go through life feeling like we are faking it most of the time, living on a hope and a prayer and lots of caffeine. We get really good at thinking on our feet, being charismatic, and pulling through in the eleventh hour. Existing like this, though impressive at times, is not sustainable and I've only just recently realized this.

Knowing that my academic journey could have been easier, that I could have received support, or that I could have done even better than I did is a really tough pill to swallow. Like many other female presenting people, my ADHD likely showed up more through anxiety and depression by default. Being generally quiet and well-behaved at school meant that I flew under the radar. I wasn’t super loud, obnoxious, or rambunctious at school. I didn’t bounce around, I wasn’t a boy, and since ADHD in girls wasn’t really studied back then girls were usually overlooked. Any behaviours and struggles that are (in retrospect) apparent to me as being ADHD weren’t seen as a sign of a challenging condition back then. They made me quirky, or weird. I was loud as hell with my best friends and during sleepovers. I was blunt with people in situations where I felt confident (let's call this my faulty filter). I was a smart ass. I was funny (I am fairly certain my sense of humor became a bit of a coping skill). I was hyperactive in certain contexts. I knew how to mask it and be well-behaved in others. All this time I was learning how to act “correctly” in society and how to let loose with people who knew the real me. I thought; everyone must be like this, right? Everyone puts on their best clothes and attitudes at work, then takes off that mask when they get home. Everyone acts like the student with the teacher, and like the daughter with their mom, and like the funny kid with their friends. It’s not like it’s unheard of to act accordingly depending on the setting you find yourself in.

Masking is different though. I only learned that term about a year ago. I am in my mid-thirties, and I am discovering more everyday about what it means to be on the neurodiversity spectrum. When someone presents with a “mask” it’s usually not a mischievous thing or a premeditated thing, it’s more like a survival thing. It’s a mechanism that gets honed through years of gaining an understanding that if you talk too much you are told to shut up, that if you are deemed to be too loud, they will tell you to be quiet, that if you are you, you will get called annoying/obnoxious/rambunctious/strange. You feel disconnected from family and peers but never really understand why. You find that you need to take a breather during social events, so you prefer cleaning up in the kitchen or hiding away in the bathroom rather than socialize. You try to gain an understanding of social cues and what people mean when they say certain things. You end up being the butt of the joke for saying something awkward. You learn to laugh along with people, and hope they are laughing with you and not at you. You become hyper-aware of social norms and expectations. You pick up on the tiniest detail. Every time you're around others you have to come prepared, like Dora the freaking explorer. You have your security blanket (water bottle or backpack or whatever). You need your armor before you can go out there. You also get really good at Irish goodbyes, knowing where your exits are, and having a reason for everything to be able to explain yourself because you live in constant fear of being called out or being “in trouble”.
All of these coping behaviours start to become trauma responses instead of natural ways of being in the world.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, good. Genuinely, good for you. I'm glad that being in the world isn’t a jagged and overcomplicated and draining experience for you. ADHDers are often unsure of themselves or unable to hold down jobs for longer than a year. We can be really good as many things but experts in nothing. We have highly fluctuating energy levels, difficulties with emotional regulation, we can struggle with sleep, deal with social anxiety, self-soothe with food or substances just to navigate daily life which may lead to other issues.

We placate, we fawn, giving people the version of us we think they want because no one has been able to handle the truest version of us with care. It’s not that some people are better than others. I’m not saying that every person with ADHD is a misunderstood genius who gets mistreated, nor am I painting non-neurodivergent people with a bland brush of being normies with zero personality. It’s just that the productivity-obsessed, capitalist, judgmental world we live in often fixates on social decorum and is set up to squash any variability, creativity, and weirdness. Instead, it aims at making people straightlaced, adherent, easily categorized and managed and some of us just cannot exist like that. Ultra-productivity has become the default at all costs. We try to do our best to present in a way that won’t rock the boat or get us noticed, yelled at, misunderstood, or insulted and it leads to a watered-down version of who we actually are. It leads us to burn out. It takes a lot of self-awareness, self-care, therapy, and access to resources to undo all of that when you get diagnosed in adulthood.

So back to my credentials. It’s lovely to be able to say that I'm educated. Honestly, I don’t have any pretentious illusions about my very basic BA. I know that I love learning and that I've been a very good student in my life, while also processing the fact that if I had been diagnosed earlier I likely could have gone much further with my academic and professional goals. But what I struggle with now is not knowing how to exist in a traditional 9-5 world. I have such variable energy levels and other chronic illness stuff to deal with that I haven’t been able to figure out how to make a place for myself professionally or stick with a career path. In contrast, my peers from high school and college have moved on and landed incredible jobs over the years, building on their experience year over year and have been rewarded with career growth. With each year that passes I feel like I have missed many opportunities to reach this so-called 'potential' everyone including myself saw in me. I find myself sitting in my living room, struggling financially, wondering if I will ever be able to get my sh*t together long enough to get there myself. And if I haven’t yet...what are the chances I ever will?

I know we all have our own unique paths in life and that comparison is the thief of joy. That’s just it though, I don’t want to be like everyone else. I feel like I know myself more than ever before. I like myself. The messy, complicated, unmasked self that is emerging. She has a lot of cool ideas, she’s fun, she’s creative and interested in so many things. She does have a great work ethic and she wants to be in community, but she’s been burned in the past in so many ways. She cannot fathom how to move forward as a mid-thirties unemployed person with a scattered work history and a new diagnosis. Having core values like flexibility, honesty, balance, and sustainability also means I have no interest in killing myself for a corporation, working for less than the cost of living, or being treated poorly by management in any way.

I am not a “fall in line” / “look the other way” type of person. If that makes me difficult, so be it. I am still trying to find my place. I may come across as abrasive because I have no interest in placating people who aren’t authentic. Those that know me, truly know me, understand that I am just super passionate, kind of impatient, well-meaning, honest, loyal, and unbelievably curious. I have amazing qualities and less than favourable ones just like anyone else. But my personal boundaries and values mean more to me than appeasing someone in middle management or getting a pat on the back for doing things that hold no deeper meaning. It’s as if I'm allergic to bullshit, ass-kissing, and social conventions…which, let’s be real, are sort of the bedrock of society.

I’m much more interested in the messy and authentic connections people make with each other. I like to learn about systems and ask why? all the time. I have cool and interesting if somewhat unimportant facts to share. I can see inefficiencies from a mile away. I speak to everyone as an equal. I don’ think I know everything, but I will absolutely tell you what I do know or am interested in. I forget things often (damn the frontal lobe!) and need a lot of clear instructions (written, not verbal). I can get things done fast when I have a deadline and I do really well in a crisis, but tend to get lost in the weeds if I have lots on my plate because to me it’s all important and therefore it’s all overwhelming. Since ADHDers often have issues with prioritizing tasks and task initiation (darn those executive functions!) it’s easy to see how this could be perceived negatively by those in charge.

As we can see this is a complex thing to live with, never mind trying to explain it to other people. Unpacking a lifetime of anxiety, emotional dysregulation, depression, hyperactivity, and realizing you managed to mask most of it while being undiagnosed/misdiagnosed is like getting slapped in the face by the universe.

So here I sit... late into the night, looking up at my credentials hanging on the wall. I have a deep sense of pride for the things I have accomplished and an understanding of how hard I had to work to get by with undiagnosed ADHD. All the while knowing I have great things to offer, and wondering when I will finally find my place.

Snacks & Snark,
Relatable Red

Related Resources & Links:

Academic and Educational Outcomes of Children With ADHD

Feedback-Related Negativity in Children with Two Subtypes of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

The effect of ADHD on the life of an individual, their family, and community from preschool to adult life